Turn and Face the Strange

Inspired. Rise above the funk. Head out of the cloud. Ch-ch-ch-chaaaanges!

Ever feel on the cusp of something? I feel as though I'm about to change course or come to some amazing revelation. I'm not sure if the transition from hot sticky summer days and nights to cooler winds of fall have anything to do with it, but I am excited.

Catch Up:

• Slowly but surely pulling the house together as to list it and hopefully SELL it so we can move
• My puppies turned 3!!
• Might actually be ready to start a family (gulp!)
• Less enthused than ever about current work situation
• Some of the most fun I've had recently was spent with my sister
• Baby craze has officially sprouted...several friends expecting

Here's to riding the wave of change and having the courage to stand up throughout. Eeek.

Nicest

I think most schools have those horrid class voting things for things like "most popular" "nicest smile" "class clown" etc. I went to Catholic school for 13 years (K - 12th). For those of you who merely think about Brittany Spears in a short plaid skirt or nuns who beat children with yardsticks, you are only partially right. My class size in 8th grade was about 28 kids. These 28 kids were the same 28 kids I saw everyday in from Kindergarten until the last day of 8th grade and most of them again throughout high school.

Catholic school is truly a great social experiment and my experience had flashes of Lord of the Flies pretty consistently. This was lead by that one girl, the "most popular" who had her minions of lemmings who were truly afraid of this person who ultimately upon retrospect had zero self-confidence. I recall receiving my "yearbook" (I put this in quotes because it wasn't really a book more then some paper stapled together) at the end of 8th grade and found myself laughing at the labels my classmates very democratically assigned to themselves via "most popular" "smartest" "most likely to succeed" etc. I was the winner of "Nicest" and "Nicest Eyes" AKA everyone has to get something on this list so Nicest seems like a good label for you.

And they were right. I am nice. I'm really nice. I try to live my life by that golden rule Mrs. Maloney in kindergarten always talked about treating others as you would like to be treated. Not everyone plays by those rules, that is quite apparent, but I do. Being nice can be a drag too. I find myself not speaking what's truly on my mind for fear of upsetting another person, hurting their feelings. The problem with the word nice is it's a bunk adjective. People describe other people as nice when they don't have anything else to say. Much akin to, "How are you?" "I'm good thanks." That says nothing. Too bad when describing someone as "nice" you can't have a little video that pops up to demonstrate what you mean, demonstrated examples to bolster one of the most overused adjectives in the English language.

I recently stopped being nice and started speaking honestly. I am a believer in tact and taking the context of a situation into consideration before yapping away, but I'm realizing being nice doesn't truly help anyone. It definitely doesn't help me express what I am truly feeling and thinking to a person and it marginalizes the other person. I'm assuming through observation and emphathy that someone might not like what I have to say and they might not, but at least it will be true and meaningful and convey respect for that other person. The truth can hurt, no doubt about that, but perpetuating nice leads to complacency and stunted growth. Life is too short to simply be nice in all its bland glory.

Last Words

Its funny
the routines you slip
into,
like a fat ass
coming home
to the very special
groove, indent or
large impression
on the couch

I know

My neck
is tired of turning
to see if you've
written
My lips are weary
from smiling for
you
My eyes are tearing
from trying to hold
your gaze
My fingers ache
in this empty space
next to me

It'll be jarring
for you
as I take another way
Flick this habit
the same way I enjoy
catapulting summer bugs
off of a screen door


I feel

My fingers warm
and laced
cradle my neck
My gaze
shifts ahead and
my feet fall forward
as these lips dance
along in song.

The White Bandit

One inconsequential day I was twirling my hair between my fingers. That day I had decided to put the ever growing (at a most determined garden weed rate) hair into two braids, yes Pippy Longstocking style. (Why is it anytime we girls put our hair like that some dude HAS to make that comment?) So absentmindedly twirling I start checking out the ends of my hair and see it - my first white hair. Apparently my hair thinks "gray" is a waste of time or state of being not worth our time and went straight to white. I can't help but think of my father, largely of Irish and Polish descent, who began "going gray" in his 20s and now has a (thinning) head of snow white hair. I know from my high school biology days this has more to do with genetics than having daughters, but alas, Danny Boy feels the need to blame having a house full of women for his alabaster locks.

Upon discovering this solo strand, whom I've started referring to as The White Bandit, I had one of those "Jesus! I'm not getting any younger!" moments and quickly started to closely examine the rest of my locks for additional culprits (so far no additional white bastards). I've never been one to dye or color my hair as it is very curly and this lady does not need her hair to get anything done to it that will INCREASE dryness, thereby increasing frizz. Grant it, I am not approaching my own personal Twilight here, I mean lordy, I'm still in my 20s, but that single strand of white made me realize how important it is to not coast through life in a complacent, cozy bubble.

I recently had someone ask me what my dreams and goals were and I was embarrassed because I couldn't answer them. I know people who have dreams and goals and they are actively working towards achieving those things. I was left questioning myself, saying, "Meg what the deuce happened to you? Where did your passion go? How did I end up here with no direction or place to call home...wait that's a Bob Dylan song..." But seriously, if one doesn't have a dream to aspire to what's left but the grind and struggle of a pointless existence. I'm definitely not trying to belittle the little pleasures in life because I value those deeply, but if I'm just coasting and a part of the bigger machine with nothing to aspire to, nothing to look towards, what the f am I doing? How can I truly value the present?

So The White Bandit continues to ride on my head, (thankfully underneath many pieces of hair that still are full of color) and while this Bandit has stripped a singular strand of its color, softness and shine, it has prompted the grey matter underneath it all to dream again.

Thanks White Bandit. Ride on.

'Tis the Season

Yes so life has gotten in the way of me writing or perhaps I should blame it specifically on work and the long hours and lack of sleep or perhaps that I've been neglecting my dogs and walking them so if I were to accomplish something after work it would be a walk with Han and Chewie or that it is now officially smack in the middle of the holidays and I'm so busy buying and wrapping presents and visiting friends and family; alas it doesn't matter what I put they are all excuses.

The holidays for most of my life, have encompassed my birthday (two weeks before Christmas) and Christmas. Now that I have a husband and said husband celebrates Hanukkah I've added the Festival of Lights to my definition, along with a wedding anniversary a week after New Year's Day. This time of year always seems to be like a hyped-up four year old cracked-out on red and green M&Ms compared to the rest of the year. Plans and presents and parties and going and coming and wrapping and decorating and cooking and baking and so on, non-stop until the drunken culmination of New Year's Eve.

For me, this time of year has been a yin and yang or competing opposites of joy and excitement with disappointment and checked expectations. The holidays represent or are reminders of loss for many of us; loved ones that have passed or even a shitty situation that happen to occur near a holiday seems to serve as an annual reminder of that pain. This year has been tough and as I sit alone in an empty room it's hard to feel jolly and remember why this time of year can also be great. (I said hard, not impossible!)

As I look ahead to the coming days, I know I'll be surrounded by people who love and accept me, even when I am a complete pain in the ass and for that I am grateful. I know I'll continue family traditions and maybe even create some new ones. I know my father will cook his freaking awesome potatoes Christmas morning and I'll eat too many like I always do. I'm pretty sure my sisters will fight about something at some point on Christmas Day. I know my mom's turkey will rock and I'll sit inebriated and full with a stupid grin on my face after dinner.

I think of the approaching "new year" and recognize all the cliches, but am grateful for something fresh and new. It's a an opportunity to change and use something as trivial as the year changing from '08 to '09 as cause and reason to shed your skin, to emerge anew. Maybe this year you'll tackle that project or face a fear or finally allow yourself or someone else to be happy, whatever it is, it's there ready and different and waiting.

If there is anything I hope for myself this coming year it is that I don't live by excuses, that I am true to my wants and dreams; that happiness outweighs sadness; laughter overcomes tears; that I am fulfilled, engaged and challenged; that my ability to understand, empathize and listen grows; my relationships are enriched and I can live up to my own expectations.

Happy happy, merry merry to all and to all a good night!

An Offering

To my beautiful and wondrous friend Laurey, I bask in your glory and awesomeness and will gladly take down anyone, just ask. This is for and dedicated to you my friend.

An Offering

To be you
scattered and dull
with no home or origin
You are a toothpick, flaccid and weak
unable to withstand this force
you like to
discard people
like a piece of gum that's lost it taste

To be her
soaring and golden
reaching back through generations
She is a pillar, strong
and immovable. Her embrace
is soft, all encompassing
fiercely calm and beautiful
like the culmination of
every sunset.

Your mouth is
a house of lies.
Your lips are laced with acid.
I see you
for what
you are. A boy
pretending
to be a man.

Her lips will never
sing
your praises.
My mouth releases
this truth, across sisterhoods
boundless through time.
If you're wondering
what that is you're feeling
it's just my
vermilion stare
carving out pieces, an offering
to this goddess.

Here In My Head

So my brain is quite literally a flutter this afternoon; work issues, family issues, relationship stuff, things I need to get done over the weekend, upcoming time off requests, worries, stress, conversations had, unspoken needs and wants, dance parties, fantasy football match ups, books, words, lyrics, poems, blogs; my synapses must looked like a California highway at rush hour!

Now I do not enjoying preaching, speaking or even having any of my words imply anything political, but I must say this: regardless of your party affiliation, if you even have one, please, PLEASE be an informed voter and research each candidate's stance on issues that are important to you! Enough of this, he said, she said smearing! I mean honestly are we all such lemmings that we can't make a decision (read: vote) for someone based purely on their party affiliation, their gender or the color of their skin?? This is an important election year folks, yes there is war, yes the global political climate is searing, yes everyday hardworking Americans are struggling. What scares me the most is the fact that TWO Supreme Court judges will most likely be retiring during the next President's term, so pick a candidate aligned with issues that are important to you! Research! Read! Ask Questions! But for the love of all things good and worth living for in this life, for personal freedom, for our children and our children's children, be informed and VOTE in November!

Moving on...

My mind has been heavy with the thoughts of relationships recently; mother, father, sister, husband, friend, all kinds of relationships and bonds. As children we live in a and have a very small worldview and frame of reference. The family we have and how we interact is all that we know. It's through experience, through meeting and speaking with other people that our perspective and frame of reference can morph and broaden. I recently had an amazing "conversation" with my younger sister. I say "conversation" because most of it consisted of yelling, screaming, partial choking, a whole lotta crying, but the amazing and wonderful thing is it ended in a better understanding of one another and a stronger relationship as sisters and friends.

I pride myself on being a good listener, I mean it is part of my job to listen well, to pick up on any red flags a candidate may be telling me indirectly, to leverage a person's uncertainty or indecision into a willingness to switch jobs or even move across the country. I've mentioned my seeming super-power to elicit confessions from practical strangers or for friends and loved ones to give me their dark secrets as a place of sanctuary and safe-keeping. But someone I've known longer than most people in this world and I thought I understood and listened to effectively, kindly, and emphathetically, made it quite clear and I've come to understand, that was not the case. It is so easy to get into behavioral routine with those in our lives; as they say we are creatures of habit. It's easy to react the same way in similar situations, especially around those we are comfortable with being ourselves. Not to say that everyone is walking around with a bleeding heart and hoarding deep issues resulting is self-hatred or doubt, but this routine and coasting along is risky. We owe it to ourselves and the enrichment of relationships of those we care about to never assume, to break the cycle of redundancy and habit.

There is a lot of shit out there in the world, so much negativity and cynicism and if we can't foster and cultivate the relationships we have and probably take for granted, what is the point? I refuse to get stuck in a cycle, to slowly build resentment or widen a gap of seeming understanding with presumption and assumptions. People are complicated creatures, we have the ability to go about our days with a smile on our face and sadness in our hearts. We have the ability to offer solace and comfort to others even on our worst days. You simply never know what is truly going on in a person's life, what they are feeling and experiencing, which is why it is essential to move beyond the status quo and embrace our brothers, sisters, friends and lovers with an offering of flexibility, a never ending supply of empathy and willingness to understand.