Nicest

I think most schools have those horrid class voting things for things like "most popular" "nicest smile" "class clown" etc. I went to Catholic school for 13 years (K - 12th). For those of you who merely think about Brittany Spears in a short plaid skirt or nuns who beat children with yardsticks, you are only partially right. My class size in 8th grade was about 28 kids. These 28 kids were the same 28 kids I saw everyday in from Kindergarten until the last day of 8th grade and most of them again throughout high school.

Catholic school is truly a great social experiment and my experience had flashes of Lord of the Flies pretty consistently. This was lead by that one girl, the "most popular" who had her minions of lemmings who were truly afraid of this person who ultimately upon retrospect had zero self-confidence. I recall receiving my "yearbook" (I put this in quotes because it wasn't really a book more then some paper stapled together) at the end of 8th grade and found myself laughing at the labels my classmates very democratically assigned to themselves via "most popular" "smartest" "most likely to succeed" etc. I was the winner of "Nicest" and "Nicest Eyes" AKA everyone has to get something on this list so Nicest seems like a good label for you.

And they were right. I am nice. I'm really nice. I try to live my life by that golden rule Mrs. Maloney in kindergarten always talked about treating others as you would like to be treated. Not everyone plays by those rules, that is quite apparent, but I do. Being nice can be a drag too. I find myself not speaking what's truly on my mind for fear of upsetting another person, hurting their feelings. The problem with the word nice is it's a bunk adjective. People describe other people as nice when they don't have anything else to say. Much akin to, "How are you?" "I'm good thanks." That says nothing. Too bad when describing someone as "nice" you can't have a little video that pops up to demonstrate what you mean, demonstrated examples to bolster one of the most overused adjectives in the English language.

I recently stopped being nice and started speaking honestly. I am a believer in tact and taking the context of a situation into consideration before yapping away, but I'm realizing being nice doesn't truly help anyone. It definitely doesn't help me express what I am truly feeling and thinking to a person and it marginalizes the other person. I'm assuming through observation and emphathy that someone might not like what I have to say and they might not, but at least it will be true and meaningful and convey respect for that other person. The truth can hurt, no doubt about that, but perpetuating nice leads to complacency and stunted growth. Life is too short to simply be nice in all its bland glory.

Here In My Head

So my brain is quite literally a flutter this afternoon; work issues, family issues, relationship stuff, things I need to get done over the weekend, upcoming time off requests, worries, stress, conversations had, unspoken needs and wants, dance parties, fantasy football match ups, books, words, lyrics, poems, blogs; my synapses must looked like a California highway at rush hour!

Now I do not enjoying preaching, speaking or even having any of my words imply anything political, but I must say this: regardless of your party affiliation, if you even have one, please, PLEASE be an informed voter and research each candidate's stance on issues that are important to you! Enough of this, he said, she said smearing! I mean honestly are we all such lemmings that we can't make a decision (read: vote) for someone based purely on their party affiliation, their gender or the color of their skin?? This is an important election year folks, yes there is war, yes the global political climate is searing, yes everyday hardworking Americans are struggling. What scares me the most is the fact that TWO Supreme Court judges will most likely be retiring during the next President's term, so pick a candidate aligned with issues that are important to you! Research! Read! Ask Questions! But for the love of all things good and worth living for in this life, for personal freedom, for our children and our children's children, be informed and VOTE in November!

Moving on...

My mind has been heavy with the thoughts of relationships recently; mother, father, sister, husband, friend, all kinds of relationships and bonds. As children we live in a and have a very small worldview and frame of reference. The family we have and how we interact is all that we know. It's through experience, through meeting and speaking with other people that our perspective and frame of reference can morph and broaden. I recently had an amazing "conversation" with my younger sister. I say "conversation" because most of it consisted of yelling, screaming, partial choking, a whole lotta crying, but the amazing and wonderful thing is it ended in a better understanding of one another and a stronger relationship as sisters and friends.

I pride myself on being a good listener, I mean it is part of my job to listen well, to pick up on any red flags a candidate may be telling me indirectly, to leverage a person's uncertainty or indecision into a willingness to switch jobs or even move across the country. I've mentioned my seeming super-power to elicit confessions from practical strangers or for friends and loved ones to give me their dark secrets as a place of sanctuary and safe-keeping. But someone I've known longer than most people in this world and I thought I understood and listened to effectively, kindly, and emphathetically, made it quite clear and I've come to understand, that was not the case. It is so easy to get into behavioral routine with those in our lives; as they say we are creatures of habit. It's easy to react the same way in similar situations, especially around those we are comfortable with being ourselves. Not to say that everyone is walking around with a bleeding heart and hoarding deep issues resulting is self-hatred or doubt, but this routine and coasting along is risky. We owe it to ourselves and the enrichment of relationships of those we care about to never assume, to break the cycle of redundancy and habit.

There is a lot of shit out there in the world, so much negativity and cynicism and if we can't foster and cultivate the relationships we have and probably take for granted, what is the point? I refuse to get stuck in a cycle, to slowly build resentment or widen a gap of seeming understanding with presumption and assumptions. People are complicated creatures, we have the ability to go about our days with a smile on our face and sadness in our hearts. We have the ability to offer solace and comfort to others even on our worst days. You simply never know what is truly going on in a person's life, what they are feeling and experiencing, which is why it is essential to move beyond the status quo and embrace our brothers, sisters, friends and lovers with an offering of flexibility, a never ending supply of empathy and willingness to understand.

All the Girls Hate Her

One thing I absolutely love about coming to Margate, NJ is the ample opportunity to sit around and do nothing if I so choose. For instance, for most of the afternoon while the masses were roasting themselves in UV rays on the beach, I was passed out on a porch napping in the shade enjoying a salty breeze and listening to music. I work hard to keep my alabaster complexion folks! There is also ample time to read, to write or sit in a pensive manner whilst enjoying an ice cold beer or nice glass of wine.



Listening to my Ipod on shuffle this afternoon, watching people walk by en route to the beach, I came to a wholly instrumental song called All the Girls Hate Her as I witnessed two young girls gossiping loudly about some other girl. Why do we do this to each other ladies? Why as women do we need to judge or to tear down other women? Personally and especially after working at a mental health facility specializing in the treatment of eating disorders, I am very aware on how difficult it is to maintain a positive body image, to be comfortable regardless of the what the number on the scale is or what size clothing one wears. For both men and women, not an image goes by in a magazine or on the television that doesn't glorify beefy men or stick thin women as perfection. Pile on the war of animosity and judgment and gossip women wage on each other and it's amazing that anyone has a positive self-image or well-adjusted feelings of self-worth not tied to one's appearance.



I have all too often resided in the aftermath of an insecure woman's bad decisions. I have too frequently witnessed a judgmental look or whispered voices measuring another girl's body or articles of clothing. I do not declare innocence. It's so easy to get caught up, it's a feeling of belonging of accord of I am better than you are. I am guilty, but these are the moments I regret that I continually try to amend in how I live and act now. I am blessed to have a small, but strong circle of women friends who celebrate one another on our attributes and accomplishments. They are so quick to compliment and to encourage when needed, to provide support. I am hopeful for a day when women celebrate each other, when I walk into a room full of women and feel connected, linked as sisters and mothers and friends.

Hope is a Thing with Feathers...

So I am already not sticking to my personal pledge of a weekly posting and I’m sure I could conjure various rationalizations and excuses as to why this is as such, but I’ll move forward to the month of June, which I know seems contradictory since we are in July. Alas, June is an exciting month. It signals the end of the spring season here in Pennsylvania and various other Northeastern states and the start of summer. It also generally means hot, sticky weather, the longest day of the year, summer vacations, school’s out, but from a more adult perspective and where I am in my life it also signifies wedding season!

I attended a wedding two weekends ago and it was quite lovely. Since graduating college it seems my husband and I average around 5-10 weddings a year these days, celebrations for our friends and extended families. Weddings are notorious or famous depending on your perspective, for sparking romantic notions, for seeping into the skin serving as some sort of elixir resulting in that warm fuzzy feeling. I do have to admit, it’s wonderful to have someone in your life, especially at weddings because you feel even more engulfed in that warm embrace of romantic love, but all relationships, especially of marriage variety, require much work.

While most people simply enjoy the rose-colored glasses weddings often provide for our outlook on life, I can’t help but reflect on past relationships, whether they are family relationships, friendships or past romances. I’ve experienced heartbreak and pain, but also extreme jubilation and love. I’ve been hurt, really hurt by people who really knew me and knew which buttons to push or where exactly to throw their verbal daggers and I have to remind myself that the culmination of any pain or loss or sorrow I’ve experienced has exalted my happiness. I can move confidently ahead because I know the experiences I’ve felt, good or bad, make me the person I am today.


I’ve been thinking about what it takes to carry these people with me as my life continues to march forward and it of course depends on the person, but why do some friendships fade? Why do certain people come into your life and leave? Then of course there are those you know will be forever inexorably linked to your life, regardless how often you speak to or see them.

All of this rumination about the good, the bad and the ugly of relationships leaves me thinking of hope and specifically one of my favorite poems by Emily Dickinson:

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

I leave you today gently holding hope in the palm of my hand looking towards the sky ready to soar…